Children of the New Florence

Our Fantasy Self, from about age 4 to 11

The third of seven posts about ideal human development across the lifespan.

In the years from 4 to 11, a child’s sense of self is heavily based on their body and physical characteristics, their gender, their age, their name, their ethnicity, their possessions, and the actions they can perform.

            Children’s self-awareness is dominated by their body, senses, emotions, imagination, and symbols.  They have very little command — or even awareness — of abstract concepts, including religious beliefs. 

            Often around age 4, they fully realize that they cannot order the world around.  At the same time, their pretend play is becoming more symbolic and more imaginative.  Now they believe that someone else can order the world around for them.  They look for powerful magical and mythical figures to protect their ego and their sense of self.

            From about age 3 to 10, children believe in magical versions of “deity”, fairies and gnomes, wizards and witches, dragons and beasts, supernaturally powerful people, or special forces.  Usually they believe that physical events can be controlled by blessings, curses, grudges, and spells.   

            Children engage in fantasy during their prayers, rituals, and bargaining with these “omnipotent” forces — all to get them to fulfill their impulses in ways that defy how nature works.  In their religious development, they are animists, immersed in their magical perspective. 

            At the same time, most children dream and daydream of being royalty, lauded in public, worshiped by adoring fans, or humbling (even shaming) their rivals — all without knowing why. 

            And so from about age 4 through about age 11, children live through the years of the fantasy self.  They inhabit a world of power and glory, filled with superstition.  From age 4 to 10, we are all animists.

            In general, in boys all of this involves even more egocentric impulses and even more of a ferocious power drive.  Boys especially are driven by ego-based power fantasies.  

Physical development continues.  Children master many physical tasks, including cooking, eating with manners, cleaning up after meals; independently washing, bathing, showering, and otherwise cleaning and grooming their bodies; getting dressed by themselves and keeping their clothes clean; and cleaning and organizing things in their immediate environment.

            Most children exercise, dance, engage in sports or physical recreation, or master a martial art.  Many develop their physical gifts, including vitality, speed, poise, and bodily strength, or simply enjoy good health, dexterity, and physical grace. 

            Ideally, parents and other caregivers continue to meet children’s physical needs, including their needs for survival, healthy immunity and physical stress responses, food, clothing, shelter, and bodily safety, including protection from physical injury, illness, pain, and other damage. 

The capacity for achievement grows. Motivation is an intrinsic human quality.  Evaluating one’s self according to standards is inherent in the human experience.

            Self-esteem involves acknowledging that from our will and mind we can generate success.  Children can develop a strong, active, and healthy will and self-image – and move toward a life of challenging effort, resourcefulness, competence, high performance, improvement, excellence, mastery, and achievement.

            Many children learn to set goals, to confidently believe that they can achieve their goals, to visualize achieving their goals, to marshal their energy to achieve their goals, to coach their mind and body toward their goals, and to take effective action to achieve their goals.

Narcissism is normal, natural, and healthy in childhood.  None of us understands our motives when we are children.  In our loves, beliefs, and outlook, we are egocentric, narcissistic, and self-absorbed.  Our capacity to understand and to genuinely and maturely love other people is limited.

            From age 4 to 7, our self-esteem is almost always based in our desires and fantasies.     Almost all young children have unrealistically high self-esteem.  Each one thinks, “I’m the greatest.”  (And, if not heavily criticized, almost all young children bounce back quickly and fully from failure.)

            Children live by an egocentric, me-only, preconventional morality based on their own interests.  They are amoral, and they believe that whatever they want is what is right and good. 

            Until about age 7, when we think of a friend, we usually think first of his or her nice toys and the nice things that he or she does for us.  To a child, what matters about an act are its results, and right acts are the acts that are rewarded and bad acts are the acts that are punished. 

            Children’s impulses are controlled by rewards and punishments.  Children obey rules external to their self — and control their natural instincts and impulses — for the sake of personal benefits, especially to avoid punishment or to obtain rewards. 

Social development accelerates.  Nearly every 4-year-old has the basic empathy of an adult, without the emotional complexity.  Between age 3 and 6, young children become more and more aware of the emotions of others, and more and more willing to take turns and share.

            For the rest of our lives, we will have emotional reactions and experiences and, ideally, we will continue to move beyond our ego to genuine awareness and care toward our fellow human beings.

            By age 3 or 4, almost all children prefer to play with their peers.  And friendships revolve around play interests.  Social behavior is becoming more complex, as young children behave differently with peers of different ages. 

            Younger children tend to settle conflicts with aggression and tears, and they can be demanding and hurtful.  Still, they show helpfulness more often, and even tenderness, generosity, and altruism.

            By age 5 or 6, disputes are rarely handled with physical fighting but are often handled with yelling and name-calling.  And throughout childhood, there is plenty of teasing, bullying, and scapegoating.

            From about age 6 to 10, children can initiate social activities, respond positively to their peers, take their peers’ wishes into consideration, and resolve conflicts.  They learn more about friendship — and respect, affection, kindness, generosity, sharing feelings, loyalty and trustworthiness, not betraying a secret, mutual helpfulness, helping solve each other’s problems, and caring about making each other happy. 

            Many 4-year-olds are beginning to understand that people’s behavior is governed by their beliefs and desires.  And as each year passes, children become better at attuning to other people’s perspectives.

            Around age 6 or 7, children begin actively comparing themselves to their peers.  About age 7 or 8, we begin making a general judgment of our self-worth, something we then do for the rest of our lives. 

            Around age 7 or 8, we become more aware of people’s enduring traits.  We see a person as mean, shy, funny, friendly, bossy, or sweet.  We compare.  And around age 8, we begin understanding that two people with the same information can arrive at two different points of view.

            Each child actively thinks about how he or she is like other children and how he or she is different than — and distinguished from — other children.  This is a crucial process in forming one’s identity.

            Around age 6 or 7, we begin focusing on how we fit in with our peer group in the concrete world.  By this age, most of us are able to take the perspective of another person.  And we get better at distinguishing between action and intent.  (“I didn’t mean to do it!”)

            From age 7 to 10, peers are incredibly important to us, and we spend almost all of our free time except for TV time with our friends.  We engage in common activities.  We do things together.

            Children who receive support from the important people in their life usually have high self-esteem.  And people with healthy peer relations as children are usually warm, well-liked, and socially competent as adults.

Parenting style dramatically affects child development.

            A relationship between a child and his or her parent(s) and/or caregiver(s) is always a relationship of dependence and control.  All children must often be controlled and must sometimes be punished.  Normally, parents punish children by scolding them, withholding privileges, assigning extra chores, sending them to their room, grounding them, or even occasionally spanking them.

            Parents can be warm or cold (hostile or rejecting).  Parents can be authoritarian, permissive, or authoritative.  Research shows overwhelmingly that children are most likely to turn out well when their parents are warm but authoritative.

            Warm parents smile at, praise, and encourage their children, and show them plenty of affection.  Warm parents are empathetic, caring, enthusiastic, and affectionate, and respond empathetically to their child’s feelings.  Warm parents listen well, remain open, and are loving.

            Authoritative parents are firm but understanding.  They have high but realistic expectations and demands for their children’s behavior, especially their helpfulness and overall maturity.  They set limits, criticize misbehavior, and discipline their child with proper and balanced punishments, all while encouraging their child to become independent. 

            Authoritative parents have clear rules, consistently enforced.  They encourage responsibility and give children increasing levels of responsibility.  They shift gradually from being moderately restrictive with their 2-year-old to being moderately permissive with their teenager.   

            The children of warm and authoritative parents tend to have high self-esteem.  They usually internalize good values, behave maturely, and are academically and socially competent.  They are likely to be sure of themselves, confident, independent, responsible, and high-achieving while also being friendly, cooperative, empathetic, responsive, and altruistic in their relationships.

As long as we stay in this stage of life, we will live by an egocentric, Me-only, pre-conventional morality based on our own interests.  We will remain amoral and narcissistic, and continue to believe that whatever we want is what is right and good. 

For those who stay stuck at this stage, life is about magical powers to help them and their clan.  They are dependent on and show allegiance to one leader, who is never questioned. They strongly defend their ancestral way of life, including their rituals and customs.  They remain stuck in animism, magical thinking, or both.  They remain, even as adults — by our ideal standards in the 21st Century — childish.

Are we encountering a child age 4 to 11, with a fantasy self?  Let’s indulge their symbolic and imaginative play and art as well as their capacity to spin scenarios and tell and appreciate stories.  Let’s help them develop their aesthetic sense.  And let’s help them master language, numbers, and other symbols so that they can express themselves fluently and proficiently.

            Let’s recognize that abstract concepts, including religious beliefs, are largely beyond them.  Let’s help the take pride in their body and physical characteristics and the actions that they can perform.

            Let’s roll with the reality that they will often indulge in egocentric fantasies of power and glory, of being lauded and adored, as well as superstitious, magical and animistic thinking.  And let’s adjust our thinking to understand that they are largely amoral because they are clueless about their own motives.  Their narcissism is normal at this age, and they behave well — obey the rules — primarily to avoid punishment or obtain rewards.

            Let’s help them learn turn-taking, mutual responsiveness, cooperative acting, and understanding how people’s beliefs and desires shape their behavior.  And let’s help them fully enjoy coordinated and complementary interaction and play.

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