Perinatal Experiences
By Summer 1974, Dr. Stanislav Grof had moved from Maryland to Big Sur, California, and become the lead thinker at the Esalen Institute.
I have my fictional character Yale undergo hours-long deep breathing sessions each day in one of Grof’s weeklong “workshops”, with a little help from his cousin, my lead / narrating character, Dylan.
Big Sur, California
June 1974
Stan Grof is conducting a week-long “workshop” of education and deep-breathing sessions at the Esalen Institute. Yale and I have traveled here from Denver, with stops in Salt Lake City, Las Vegas, and Sacramento for my Walt Whitman performances and his accompanying songs.
We run into Michael Murphy. “Stan and I met at a party in New York City,” he tells us, “and I invited him to move out here. You know, Timothy Leary pretended to think about psychedelics, and we saw disaster after disaster.”
“I agree,” I say.
Yale nods. “Leary did nothing to prepare people for the negative material.”
I nod. “Grof understands that the way out of the negative material is to fully experience it.”
“And he doesn’t pretend to think about it,” Murphy says. “He’s actually thought it all out. He’ll be our key thinker here at Esalen.”
I nod. “You’re now all about the transpersonal.”
Yale engages in daily deep-breathing sessions that last for hours. I participate as a “sitter” for his experiences. He relives his birth and discovers it was a healthy and normal birth in almost every way.
First, he had a good womb experience. “All my needs were satisfied. I sensed the unconditional love of my future caregivers. I lived in a state of oceanic unity with my mother. I felt nourished, safe, secure, protected, blissful, serene, tranquil, and peaceful.”
Then he passed through the no-exit experience. “Chemicals and contractions signaled me to leave the womb but there was no way out. I felt anxious, claustrophobic, engulfed, trapped, inadequate, afraid, and paranoid.”
Next came the struggle-out experience. “There was now a way out but only by passing through the biological fury of Mother’s organism. With the onslaught of contractions, I was propelled forward gradually through crushing pressure. I engaged in an aggressive effort to avoid total defeat and to survive this catastrophic ordeal. The extreme pressure and suffocation along with my progress out of the birth canal caused me both extreme agony and extreme ecstasy.”
Finally came the arrival experience. “I became an organism free of the womb. I experienced physical and emotional relief, resolution, triumph, contentment, and joy.”
Yale completes this on the third day of Grof’s workshop. He’s thrilled about his breakthroughs. “I’ve discharged a lot of tension and I feel much more integrated.”
On the fourth day, Yale experiences an oceanic state of consciousness. “My appreciation of nature is deepening.”
On the fifth day, he experiences existential hopelessness. This doesn’t last long, since he understands it for what it is – an experience of what Grof calls Matrix Two. He leaves the experience with a deeper awareness of and empathy with victims of human rights abuses.
On the sixth day, he experiences Matrix Three: powerful currents of energy streaming through his whole body.
On the seventh and final day, Yale experiences the culmination of his “ego death” in a spiritual rebirth. “I feel purged, serene, relaxed, and joyful. I am affirming the positive forces in the universe. I am more in touch with my values. I appreciate warm human relationships more than ever. And I am ready to live each day as a sacred gift.”
As we get in the car to head back to Denver, Yale exclaims, “What an illuminating week!”
“Illuminating for sure. I can’t wait to get back to practicing therapy. I want to guide my clients to experience some of what you just experienced.”
“Hey, what about you, Dylan? Didn’t your mother die while you were being born?”
I flinch, retreat to statistics. “When I was born, out of 100,000 mothers giving birth, 376 died. Now it’s 13.”
“But reliving your birth—”
I shrug. “Someday, Cousin. I’m sure my natural mother’s death during my birth left me feeling incomplete. Probably some neurotic drive there. I’ll deal with it down the road. This was your moment.”
“But—”
“—Yale! Did you ever think I might need this neurotic drive from my birth to keep moving toward my goal?”
“How could any psych professional think like –”
“—Enough! I’m doing things my way.”