During my first year and a half on Substack, there are just seven Substack writers with whom I've read each and every post. You've seen my interviews with the intellectually-rigorous literary analyst Felix Purat, the cultural and literary guide Kate Waller, and the social visionary Russell Smith. My fourth interview is with Sandra Ann Miller.
Sandra's posts on her Sassy Little Substack have brought something special into my life, and sometimes I'm not entirely sure why. But she approaches our basic stance toward life -- and our happiness and wellbeing -- with a mix of common sense, fun (even irreverence), and a depth that sneaks up on you when you're least expecting it. She is accessible and easy to understand but never simplistic or shallow in any way. She inhabits a unique space.
MGW: Sandra, thank you for agreeing to be interviewed for the New Florence Substack. I've read every Substack post you've written, and when I tried to figure out why, I realized I think of you as a philosopher. You're a certified coach in various areas of human life. Do you ever think of yourself as a philosopher?
SAM: Well, first, Mike, you deserve a medal! Thank you for reading all my posts! I'm very honored by that. Very.
It's funny that you should mention philosophy because, for a hot minute in college, before I transferred to CalArts for film school, I minored in Philosophy. “The unexamined life is not worth living,” after all.
And I practice Buddhism -- rather poorly, at times. Philosophy and spirituality are very intertwined, especially in Buddhism. You're asked to think about what you believe and why you believe it. And I highly recommend everyone do that from time to time, and deep dive it.
So, I don't know that I would say I'm a philosopher, but I am incredibly flattered that you do and will happily stick that feather in my cap. I would say that I am curious and I like to figure things out, have them make sense. And maybe that's what philosophers do?
MGW: That’s most interesting to me, Sandra. So you went to film school. Your screenwriter writing style enlivens every post. Tell us more about your life experience as it's come together in your current work.
SAM: Yes, to go from screenwriting and fiction to being a happiness coach is rather a curveball no one saw coming, myself included.
I've always been a writer of sorts. Epic note writer in high school, letter writer before the internet took hold. My texts are inches long. One compliment I got from a friend I had sent a letter to is that it sounded just like I was talking to her.
When I submitted screenplays as my graduation project -- first to do that, I was told, but have no proof -- I was complimented on how I developed my characters . . . sadly, more so than the plot.
But I'm curious about what makes people tick, what their motives are. That whole unexamined life thing, I suppose. When I write my 'stack, I want the readers to know who I am, including the non sequitur bits -- because tangents are a way of life for me -- and maybe even feel like we are having a chat. That way, I hope to gain some trust as to why my theories of gaining and maintaining happiness are worth giving a shot. The whole point is to build a relationship with readers and spread this happiness stuff around.
MGW: And it works so well for you. I'd like to focus most of this interview on your views of human happiness. But let's focus on a few other topics first. Let's tackle a few negative elements of life. First, what's the best approach to stress?
SAM: To see that it's almost pointless. I used to be a preemptive worrier, figuring that if I worried about something, it wouldn't happen and, if it did, I'd be prepared. So silly. We worry about things that will never happen! Why? Instead, give yourself a moment, go over the scenario, cover your bases and trust yourself. No need to worry anymore.
Putting pressure on yourself at work? Why? Are you doing your best? Then that's enough. Yes, we can meditate and do breathing exercises -- and we really aren't breathing correctly or deeply enough, especially when we are stressed -- but the fish stinks from the head down. Fix your thoughts first. The rest will come into line.
MGW: Well said. And what's the best way to handle our anger?
SAM: Be friends with it. Anger was my protector for a very long time. But it's exhausting to be angry so much of the time, and pointless. Emotions are teachers. Ask your anger why it's here. That might sound silly, but investigate it. Anger usually is covering for a more inconvenient feeling, like vulnerability, sadness, humiliation. Just remember that you are in charge. Don't let anger take control. I mean, look around and see how that's working out in the world.
MGW: The right approach, for sure. What's the best way to handle failure?
SAM: Laughter. I mean, after a good cry. I have failed so much. The other day I saw a coach post that no one should use the word failure. Bite me. It's an honest word. There's nothing to be embarrassed about by failing. It is the teacher of all teachers. We gain so much wisdom from failure. In some ways, it's a gift. Not always a pretty one, but it helps to look at it differently. It feels like something's being taken away but try to see what opportunity it's giving you instead.
MGW: What is your approach to loss?
SAM: Loss is a part of life. And it should not be resented. We aren't guaranteed anything in this world but the cliche of death and taxes, but that's the truth. And if you appreciate what you have while you have it, the loss will hurt less.
If we are talking about losing someone we love, with their passing, I say be very present. The loss of my grandfather was the worst thing I could ever imagine as a child. Even as a teenager. But spending time with him, getting a chance to care for him the way he always had for me, was such a gift, and lessened the pain of losing him.
Recently, the woman I call my Buddhist Mother passed at 85. I got to spend time in the hospital with her and her children, who are only a few years younger than I am. I was at work when she passed, but went over shortly after. I stayed when the kids left -- we weren't sure who might be coming still. The hospital is kind enough to give you a few hours to let people come pay their respects. One did come by, then it was just me and her. I held her hand, combed her hair, played "Tapestry" and got to spend time honoring the wonderful woman who did so much for me over the last 17 years.
Death is not something we want, but it is part of our existence. Fearing it serves no purpose.
MGW: Overcoming the fear of death is a huge hurdle for most of us. And what is your approach to trauma?
SAM: Everyone's trauma is so different. Mine comes from verbal and emotional abuse. I have a wicked sense of humor about it now. I, of course, had therapy. That's a must. But I think the best thing is to want to let it go. We sort of have to make friends with it, have a relationship with it, and then let that relationship run its course. It's always going to be a part of me, and certain things will trigger it, but I understand that and work to let it go again.
MGW: So true. Shifting to happiness, what is happiness? An attitude? A perspective? Something more?
SAM: I really think that happiness is our natural state. It's not something we need to earn or deserve, and it sure as hell is not toxic positivity. Happiness is an emotion, an attitude, a perspective. It's all these things. But we get into a tangle about happiness. We think that it's hard to achieve. That we have to be perfect to have it, or life has to be. Nope. My life is so far from perfect and I couldn't be more flawed . . . and, yet, I'm truly happy.
MGW: What are the most essential truths you are sharing about our happiness?
SAM: That happiness is an inside job. I call it the cake of life. Cake has two parts, for the most part: the sponge and the frosting. If you make really good cake -- the sponge, that is -- you really don't need to add anything to it. It's delicious on its own. Frosting, on the other hand, can either elevate or overwhelm. Too much of it can flatten the sponge. Eating it on its own can make you feel sick.
The sponge is the eudaimonic happiness, the happiness that comes from within by a strong sense of self, a sense of purpose and a sense of appreciation. Frosting is the hedonic happiness, that which is outside of us, the people, places and material things that we think we need to be happy, but that happiness is fleeting.
MGW: Tell us more.
SAM: We think we need things to make us happy. A great job, a loaded bank account, a house, a car, the right clothes, the right relationship. When we get them, we are happy for a little while, satisfied with the perks that come with it . . . and then we aren't. We are left wondering why and we might think we must need a better job, more money, a bigger house, a better car, more clothes, a different relationship. It's an endless cycle of the chase. All that is is frosting. Where's your cake? How's your sponge? When you build up your sense of self, purpose and appreciation, you're happy without that hedonic frosting. But, when that frosting comes, you can savor it. When it passes, you aren't suffering an existential sugar-crash. You've learned to appreciate more than just the things.
MGW: So interesting. Please go into even more depth about this.
SAM: We can debate if a relationship, romantic love, is eudaimonic or hedonic, and I will say it starts off as hedonic and can become eudaimonic with appreciation. It's hedonic, in my view, because it is, in fact, outside of us. That person we meet at first is a stranger who we feel a connection with. That connection can eventually turn eudaimonic by how the relationship and person is appreciated and honored. But it's still outside of us. Breakups and divorce happen. What then?
If we haven't developed our "sponge" to make it delicious on its own, we are likely going to be devastated. I mean, no matter what, it's still going to hurt. But if we have a strong sense of self and purpose as well as appreciation for what it was and how it served us, we'll bounce back quicker.
If we believe we need that relationship to make us happy, we've sort of done it wrong. And I know that must sound so unromantic. Trust me, I love love. I love being in a relationship -- that's good for both of us. It's the Buddhist in me that understands a bit of non-attachment -- which also sounds harsh, and you should hear the debates on that one when Buddhists get together, especially the newbies.
By the way, you can be heartbroken and still be happy. There's room for both.
MGW: Thanks for all those core insights. What is "toxic positivity" and how do we avoid it as we pursue a life marked by plenty of happiness?
SAM: Toxic positivity is the worst thing in the world . . . or at least it's in my top 10. It's that "good vibes only" garbage, which is really a form of self-harm, in my opinion . . . and science's. When we ignore, stifle or thwart other emotions, it's not making you happy. It actually adds to a negative mindset, can increase depression and negatively affect your overall health. And, here's the thing: Just because you feel another emotion that doesn't mean you are un-happy. It doesn't take away from your happiness or negate it. You aren't back to square one. Toxic positivity is a "fake it 'til you make it" scam. The only way to be authentically happy is to feel and honor all of your emotions. So, while we pursue our happiness, we need to respect all of our emotions, figure out what they are trying to show us -- there is always something to learn from them -- and you'll find that the less pleasant emotions stick around for a shorter time and the positive ones are ready to hang out in their place.
MGW: How does gratitude fit with happiness?
SAM: Gratitude is the building block of happiness. Science says so. But I'm not a fan of that word because it's sort of been co-opted by toxic positivity. Hashtag grateful! Hashtag blessed! Gross. Also, it gives you homework. You have to journal all the time. Science says that helps, too, so don't let me stop you from doing that.
I prefer to use Appreciation and Thankful in lieu of the G words. Appreciating what you have, instead of focusing on what you don't, builds happiness. And I say to start with the littles to build that appreciation muscle. Focus on the small stuff that brings us joy, and pay attention when that joy comes. Nothing makes me happier on my commute than green lights. And, yes, I'm dorky enough to say, "Thank you," to them. The more we appreciate what's around us, the happier we become. It's like magic. Except there's scientific research to back it up.
MGW: What beliefs, like the belief in a perfect day, can get in the way of our happiness?
SAM: A perfect day can bring us happiness, of course. They are few and far between, and wonderful. But what is a perfect day really? Can we create one or does it just happen? And here's a fun fact: Research has shown that we are terrible predictors of what will make us happy. That's how much of a mystery our own happiness is. I think that's because we tend to look outside of ourselves for it. We are basically taught to do that. Ironically, we put the emphasis on building up everyone's self-esteem. That's hard to do without being happy first, don't you think?
If we started focusing on building our happiness, so many other things will just fall wonderfully into place. And everyone's version of happiness is different. Which is great! I mean, sometimes even I don't understand why Formula 1 makes me happy -- especially since Lewis and Mercedes have had three awful years since Masi ruined the Abu Dhabi GP in 2021 and stole Lewis' 8th world championship. That still makes me mad. But I will wake up at 5 or 6 AM, or whatever horrible time the race starts, to watch and hope and yell at my TV because, even when we lose, it makes me happy. And, yes, I'm politically, ecologically and humanitarian-ly conflicted by my affection for F1. See? Zero perfection there and still happiness blooms.
The other things that get in the way of happiness are our misconceptions of it. We say, "Ignorance is bliss," but bliss isn't ignorant. It's pretty smart stuff.
I'll ask, "Who do you think is stronger: a happy person or an angry one?" See? Got you thinking there. We think happy people are less smart -- clearly, because have you seen the world? Or easily taken advantage of. Or that we have no right to be happy because of...name your list. We all have one. But that's absurd.
Being happy in my life does not keep me from being angry with the world. Trust me on that. We can have more than one emotion happening. We can be happy in our lives while protesting over injustices. It's the emotional equivalent of walking and chewing gum.
MGW: You’ve given us so much of value to mull over and act on. What's next for you this coming year, especially on Substack?
SAM: This year is going to get a little busy. In June, I'm bringing back my podcast, a little passion project I started during lockdown that I had to pause when I went back to work full full-time -- I'd had Fridays off previously. Now it will be monthly, on the first Friday of the month. Partial episodes will be available to all, but full episodes are for paid subscribers. Podcasts are so much fun, but they are work! Speaking of work, I just launched my first workshop on happiness, and that brings me so much joy. I love seeing someone get that lightbulb moment of, "Oh!" and they get to see happiness in a different way. The next workshop will be in September.
I still do Last Saturday Seminars, a free online meet-up for all my subscribers on the last Saturday of the month, where we talk about happiness and how to get more of it, and what might be holding us back. I'm continuing my studies on happiness and working on a couple of books. And my weekly newsletter will continue in its quirky way of talking about life, happiness and stubbing my toes in my teeny tiny place. But this is why I schedule breaks. Burnout is real, so I take April, August and December "off" and, instead of regular posts, I have a themed month and posts related to that. Content is still provided but without the heavy lifting, and I highly recommend scheduling breaks to all creators. My burnout is more like spontaneous human combustion, so I work hard to avoid it. It's not pretty when it happens. Part of being happy is learning from our missteps and planning ahead.
Thanks so much for picking my brain, Mike! This was fun! xo
Thank you again, Mike. Such an honor. xo
Mike, I'm honored to be mentioned in this company: Intellectually-rigorous literary analyst Felix Purat, the cultural and literary guide Kate Waller, and the social visionary Russell Smith. My fourth interview is with Sandra Ann Miller.